Sunday, May 20, 2007

Pet Meme: Brianna the Bottomfeeder



Hi, Bri here. My owner Laura Bacchi is getting ready to adopt a dog, but until then I'm stuck with reviewing her work. I know the "Other" category is probably kaput, but what kind of prize would you give a fish anyway? So I told her I'd do it for kicks. See what a loyal pet I am? And how does she reward me...?



She puts this half-naked man right up against the tank. Scared the crap out of me. Yeah, yeah, I know. You're thinking that's a good thing because I'm a bottomfeeder and all. For the record, I'm a Corydoras Panda and I don't eat poop. Anyway, when my gills finally stop their frantic panting, I take a look. It's called Afterburn: A Collection of Erotic Romance. And it's futuristic smut. Just great. I'm stuck in a tank all day and she wants me to read about horny couples going where "no one has gone before." Strike one, Laura, because fish don't dream about the stars. They think about spawning under the seaweed in an actual ocean or hanging out in some romantic corral reef hideaway. Why couldn't you write some hot mermaid-shifter tale instead?

It's all downhill from there. Let's go over the blurbs.

The Heart of a Hunter: A man sent across the universe to find his brother's bride wants to keep her for himself. Well, it must be nice to have a choice of who you mate with. Me? A horny male panda fish gets tossed in the tank and we're a couple. No choice there.

Chella's Quest: A chemist will do anything to find the stolen formula of a powerful new narcotic--even sleep with the prime suspect. Okay, this one's not so bad. I only took one break while reading it to clean up some algae on the side walls.

And The Relic of the Heart? What's with all this global warming, environmental catastrophe stuff? Yikes! I was expecting a sexy romance, not a horror story. Maybe I'm better off in the tank after all...

Then we have the last story, The Andumi Effect. What kind of a title is this? I've known tropical fish with easier names to pronounce than that! So here I was expecting another man-woman thing and--whoa!--we've got a little guy-on-guy action. As if I don't see enough of that as it is with Mickey and Brandon. Those two guppies are always swimming around, chasing each other... You get the picture. I called 'em over. They tell me they can't read, so I have to suffer through yet another space romp with a lot of sex, and though it pains me to share this, they liked it.



The next thing I know they're swimming at full speed to hide in that stupid treasure chest you sunk in here last month. If they think I couldn't see what they were up to, then they're stupider than I thought. They were rockin' it so hard, we had waves.

So thanks for nothing, Laura. Hurry up and get the damn dog already, or since you're all into this "luv" stuff, how about a male bottomfeeder?

9 comments:

Emily Veinglory said...

LOL. We can put a bottom feeder in the 'dog' category--just so she doesn't feel left out...

Laura Bacchi said...

Knowing Bri, she'd complain about that too. I can hear her now... "I'm a fish, not a dog! Come on, people." Maybe I'll buy her a male companion for her time and effort after all :)

BTW this was a lot of fun!

Anonymous said...

Wow, what an opinionated little fish! I wonder if she'd like to meet Miss Molly?

L.E. Bryce

Anne Douglas said...

Bri sounds very hard done by. She needs some male bottomfeeder company to keep shelter her from the horrid horrid, half naked man pictures!

Emily Veinglory said...

You could take her down to the store pick her own fishy man :)

Laura Bacchi said...

LOL - No fishy man for her. I don't want to get into the whole breeding thing. But I am getting her some girlfriends this weekend so she can have someone to shoal with.

I think she would like Molly :) Love the wreath comment!

Emily Veinglory said...

(I am so not thinking about fishy f/f/f... f. No, not at all)

Anonymous said...

But how can you tell a male bottomfeeder from a female one?

From Mickey and Brandon to the f/f/f bottomfeeders, Laura's tank is definitely a place to give Romantic Times a collective conniption.

L.E. Bryce

Laura Bacchi said...

Fishy f/f/f... Tee hee. And I'll try to keep my tank away from RT. :D

The aquarium stores I know "sex" their fish and keep each gender in separate tanks. I'm just not sure how one "sexes" a fish. The guppies have a penile fin or some such distinguishing feature. It looks pretty scary actually, like a thin spike.