Sunday, May 20, 2007
Hi, Bri here. My owner Laura Bacchi is getting ready to adopt a dog, but until then I'm stuck with reviewing her work. I know the "Other" category is probably kaput, but what kind of prize would you give a fish anyway? So I told her I'd do it for kicks. See what a loyal pet I am? And how does she reward me...?
She puts this half-naked man right up against the tank. Scared the crap out of me. Yeah, yeah, I know. You're thinking that's a good thing because I'm a bottomfeeder and all. For the record, I'm a Corydoras Panda and I don't eat poop. Anyway, when my gills finally stop their frantic panting, I take a look. It's called Afterburn: A Collection of Erotic Romance. And it's futuristic smut. Just great. I'm stuck in a tank all day and she wants me to read about horny couples going where "no one has gone before." Strike one, Laura, because fish don't dream about the stars. They think about spawning under the seaweed in an actual ocean or hanging out in some romantic corral reef hideaway. Why couldn't you write some hot mermaid-shifter tale instead?
It's all downhill from there. Let's go over the blurbs.
The Heart of a Hunter: A man sent across the universe to find his brother's bride wants to keep her for himself. Well, it must be nice to have a choice of who you mate with. Me? A horny male panda fish gets tossed in the tank and we're a couple. No choice there.
Chella's Quest: A chemist will do anything to find the stolen formula of a powerful new narcotic--even sleep with the prime suspect. Okay, this one's not so bad. I only took one break while reading it to clean up some algae on the side walls.
And The Relic of the Heart? What's with all this global warming, environmental catastrophe stuff? Yikes! I was expecting a sexy romance, not a horror story. Maybe I'm better off in the tank after all...
Then we have the last story, The Andumi Effect. What kind of a title is this? I've known tropical fish with easier names to pronounce than that! So here I was expecting another man-woman thing and--whoa!--we've got a little guy-on-guy action. As if I don't see enough of that as it is with Mickey and Brandon. Those two guppies are always swimming around, chasing each other... You get the picture. I called 'em over. They tell me they can't read, so I have to suffer through yet another space romp with a lot of sex, and though it pains me to share this, they liked it.
The next thing I know they're swimming at full speed to hide in that stupid treasure chest you sunk in here last month. If they think I couldn't see what they were up to, then they're stupider than I thought. They were rockin' it so hard, we had waves.
So thanks for nothing, Laura. Hurry up and get the damn dog already, or since you're all into this "luv" stuff, how about a male bottomfeeder?