Saturday, October 20, 2007

The LoveBunny is In--veinglory

"Dear LoveBunny,

Why is it that erotic romance writers always insist the story and relationship and characters are the important things, but promo almost nothing but sex?"

Whenever a person wants to start an erotic romance epublisher they make a pilgrimage to a distant and mysterious cave. They find within a cabal of witch-alchemists who present them with a series of tests and trials. If they are found worthy they are given the blessing of the cabal, along with a magical cauldron.

Now everyone knows that writers are artists driven by muses with only the purest cultural motivations, whereas reader are degenerates who are always either having sex, thinking about sex, watching sex or reading about sex. The new initiate has an answer to this apparent conundrum.

When a work of literature is placed in their new cauldron it is instantly transformed into a work of pornography and a pile of money. If the work has little artistic merit it becomes a some light slap-and-tickle and a fiver. If it is a work of pure majestic artistic genius is become an extended kink-fest complete with three-dicked alien pervatrons and a very large pile of money that smells strongly of sulfur and latex.

Whenever an author notices that the manuscript they submitted seemed to bear little relation to the book being marketed the witch-editor uses the money to pay them off, and so the great conspiracy is preserved.

So speaketh the LoveBunny.


Anonymous said...

So if readers only want sex, and sex is what makes the writers money, why do they bother to talk about the story and the characters in interviews etc. Why not just say, "My book is full of hot kinky sex" and let the money roll in?

veinglory said...

Ah, because writers are artists. If they are not starving in an unheated garret they are obviously doing it all wrong. Ergo, writing sex is doing it all wrong ;)

Anonymous said...

The last erotic "romance" I read had nothing but sex that was encouraged by mind and body altering drugs. There was nothing artistic about it. There was no character arc, no plot, no conflict, nothing but sex under the influence of drugs that cause physical pain if the recipient doesn't orgasm. I'd rather read Penthouse Forum than crap like that.

I'm glad I won the book rather than paid for it, but now I'm regretting buying other books in that line...too bad, the first one I read was really good. It actually had a plot.